Last night was not a good night. She slept through the early part of the night, putting herself back to sleep a couple of times with no intervention on our part. I foolishly thought that maybe that meant she would sleep through the night. Ella didn't sleep through, to start with. She woke me up around 1:30 because she was thirsty. She drank a whole bowl of water, went outside for a bit, and then we trooped back to bed. 1:50 am, Samantha starts screaming. I think, okay, the air is dry, I know I am thirsty, so I get up again and get her a half/half mixture of water and formula, but just 4 ounces, not the usual 7. Okay, she goes to sleep pretty well with that, and once again, I foolishly dream of sleeping through until 7am now that she has food and wet her throat. 4:30 am comes, and she is screaming. I am beyond selfish at this point, so I poke Matt awake and ask him, excuse me, that was a euphemism, "ask" him, to go feed Samantha. He lucks out, because by the time I wake him, get him to understand what I am saying, and he gets vertical, Samantha has fallen asleep. Even now she is Daddy's little girl. I have no hopes for the future at this moment. I am purely driven by the need for sleep in the next few moments and anything more than two minutes away is too long. She wakes again at 5:00 am. I can barely move, but she won't go back asleep. So I drag myself out of bed and go to feed her. I'm a bit testy with Matt when he comes in to help me change her, a fact that seems to surprise Matt a bit, since he is there to help. I guess I am not the only one who foolishly hopes. She eats, doesn't seem to settle particularly well. I wait until she at least stops wiggling and put her down, still awake. I get in bed and think, crib rail, what did I do with the crib rail? I can feel my hands putting it down, but don't have the visceral memory (the only kind left to me at this point) of putting it back up. Visions of her lying injured on the floor manage to drag me out of bed again, knowing that when I open the door she will stir and yell again. Open the door, she yells softly. All that for nothing. I did actually put up the crib rail. I close the door in her face, and go back to bed at 6:15. She yells for a bit, but quiets down eventually. I hear her playing quietly in her crib. The next thing I know, Matt is getting up and it is 7:30 am. Samantha is still playing, and I go back to sleep until 8:30 am.

This is hellish.