Samantha fed herself with the osmosis method this morning, which made me very proud. She grasps the spoon really well, but hasn't quite mastered putting it into her mouth. Her chin was very well fed. I am proud of her that she is trying to feed herself so early, but the sheer volume of slime in every crevice of her and me just makes me cringe. I don't consider myself a particularly obsessive about neatness, but this goes past even my limits. Wet washcloths don't even begin to get all the slime off. I want a hose with plenty of water to swish her down with when I am done. Hey, that's it, I'll get a little pool for her and feed her in the middle of the kiddie pool in a bathing suit!

We went upstairs and I set her down on her floor gym. She isn't as happy being there any more. She seems to always roll in the wrong direction and somehow gets stuck there. So I sat her up and propped her against one of the struts. She started chewing on it immediately. With bated breath I let go of her, and she stayed sitting up! She didn't start to topple for another minute! A morning with lots of firsts.

Also her first haircut. I got tired of seeing hair in her eyes so I got out the scissors and a little envelope to save the hairs and I trimmed those strawberry locks. She seems more comfortable, and I have the finest little bit of hair sitting in a heavy cream colored paper envelope.

Last night in her bath she started slapping the water with her hands for the first time. I dunk her hands in the water to rinse them, but she never moved them on her own before.

So what was my reaction to this morning of firsts? I sat there and sniffled. My baby is not a tiny infant any more!

“Heart Full” or is it “Heartful.” I never felt that as often as I have since Sam was born. The curve of her cheek, the flutter of her lashes as she falls asleep, the cute fanny I get to pat when she is out of her bath, the bubbles we blow at each other when I can stand having that much saliva flying around. The simple things can make me just melt.

Samantha has started grabbing everything. She particularly is fond of my gold necklace that Grammy gave me probably twenty years ago. Makes me miss Grammy, but I smile too, thinking what she would have thought of Sam, how much fun she would have had with her great granddaughter.

So I am thinking of trying to find a surrogate grandfather for Sam, someone who lives locally. I have no idea how to go about this, but seems worth a try. Maybe just call an elder home?

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by my reaction to Samantha. I can't believe what good fortune came my way to bring her into my life. Lately when I feed her, she holds the bottle with one hand and reaches up into my hair with the other. She lightly threads her hand through my hair, as though it reassures her that I am still there. Of course there are those moments when she grabs a handful and yanks, but I just take her hand away for a second, tell her no, and she stops yanking. She also often helps me with getting her dressed by pushing her arm through the sleeve and with her diaper by putting her legs straight when I need her to. She is very helpful most of the time. Tonight she cried for a half-hour until I managed to sing louder than she cried and she fell reluctantly asleep. I have no idea what was wrong, but my t-shirt was wet from her tears by the time she was done.

I sing you are my sunshine to her a lot. It makes me think of Emily too, and I feel like I have both my girls with me for a moment.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away.

Sometimes I think I am asking God to let me keep Samantha, and today, I smiled, because I was singing to her to smile just a little bit longer. Such a simple song to have so many meanings. I also have fun with the tune. Because it is so simple, I can add lots of country rills to it, sing it over and over and make each time a little bit different. It seems to soothe her, in any case.