My daughter is a present

Oh, this daughter of mine, the best present I ever had. Came from the big guy, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You see, the thing is, I don’t wait to open presents well. The anticipation is never sweet. I want to see the unknowable now, to touch, to know what piece of me is reflected in the givers eyes. But this child, this sweet little package, is wrapped too well for me to peek early. I must wait to know her as she can know herself. There are glimpses into who she is, little pokes into her glittering wrapping Oh yes, child, you glitter, but no sight into the box. I will never be able to see into the box. Her soul is unto herself, and I see only in glimpses of raw upsurges in family life. I have a lifetime ahead of me seeing bits and corners of glittering paper, and not what is inside.

And in the light of day, only she gets to open the package to what is the best present of all, herself.

Having Samantha at work for a while today went just fine. She was mostly well behaved the whole day, either sitting alertly in her car seat and watching me, or napping. A number of people stopped by to see her and everyone remarked on how cute she is. I'm beginning to believe that they're not just being polite, and that she really is an unusually attractive baby (albeit one with a serious case of baby acne right now).

She continues to gain in strength with each passing day, and there's more alertness and developing intelligence in her eyes as well. Last night she actually grabbed my finger and pulled it to her mouth to suck on it. (She seemed to prefer it to a pacifier at that moment.) I thought this might be a random accident, but today at the office she repeatedly brought her right hand (and it's little rattling mitten) to her face to mouth the mitten. I wonder if she's approaching the stage where she learns that her hands are part of her body and starts trying to manipulate objects more intentionally.

Things you can do with an infant:
Blow on their toes
Wander the mall
Walk into baby stores and dress some one else
Walk the bike path
See total strangers smile and say hello
Read to them
Give them a bath
Go to the tea emporium
Go to the library
Kiss their neck below their ears

Sam has on her special rose knitted pants that Erin made for her. The color looks really pretty on her, gorgeous. We have been using the wild creature that Alex and Leslie got for her on the changing table to distract her and also to see how she is tracking objects. She doesn’t track smoothly, but she will turn her head to keep an eye on the crazy rattling thing. I am trying to plunk out Shannon’s tune, but I have forgotten far too much of my piano lessons. I need to practice again. Sam should enjoy listening to my efforts, probably the only one who would. Mom left yesterday. She says she got a smile out of Sam. Can’t really know. She did smile when Mom talked to her, so maybe it was voluntary and not gas.

She had a good night last night, woke up at 2am and 6am. Pretty good intervals, I think. If only she could keep it up. She struggles against sleep so hard. I thought babies liked to sleep, but not this one.

Sam continues to develop head and neck control, and she's tracking objects visually much more obviously now. Yesterday I was moving the many-armed-rattling-toy that Alex and Leslie gave her around her head on the changing table, and she consistently turned her head to follow it, especially if it was making noise. She lost interest after a few minutes, but there was definitely something new in the way she honed in on the toy and kept it in sight for those few minutes.

Amy's mom has gone back to New Hampshire, so it's just the three of us again. Sam's been somewhat better late at night the past couple of days. She doesn't cry as much when she wakes up hungry; it still takes 45 minutes or more to get her to go back to sleep after she eats, and she tends to be fussy and squirm a lot during that time, but there's less crying. Less crying is good.

When I left her this morning she was sleeping on the bed in the crook of Amy's arm with Ella curled up at the foot of the bed. I wanted to take a picture of them but there wasn't really enough light, and I didn't want to turn on a light or open the shades for fear of disturbing them.

Amy has a dentist appointment on Thursday. She's going to drop Samantha off at work with me and I'm going to keep her here for a couple of hours. This should be interesting ...

Sam not only can lift her head now, but I saw her moving it around today to find a more comfortable spot. Controlled, directed movement is a big milestone for a baby. She doesn't do it consistently, and certainly not with her hands yet, but we are seeing more of this every day!

The baby naming went beautifully. I had tears in my eyes, and Rabbi Elaine Zecher said I wasn't the only one, that she had a hard time finishing the blessing she was so choked up. She did such a nice job. She talked about what a healing force Samantha has been and how we hope unique and special things for her, to grow to be a good citizen, and to love Torah, all kinds of wonderful things. One woman came up to me afterwards to say mazel tov. She asked me if I had heard the congregation go ahh when Rabbi Zecher lifted Samantha up for her to face the congregation. I hadn't, but evidently the whole congregation sighed in the face of Samantha's cuteness.

I got to see several friends at the temple, Paula, Debby and Zvi, Betsy and Bob Abrams, Alice. I met another woman with a six week old baby, but hers was much tinier even than Sam, and had started out a few ounces heavier. It was nice to meet another mom, and I wished I could have gotten to know her better. I got the impression that she had had some complications with her pregnancy too. Just a guess, but I'll never know. I'm sure I'll meet other nice moms at the Lexington temple too, and I won't spend my Fridays swearing in traffic to get to services either.

The rest of the evening at our house was really nice. I love our friends. They are special, good people and I really enjoy them. We had really good food ( I have to send a thank you note to the caterer and florist, they did a great job) and I made a new soup, spicy saffron red pepper soup that turned out well. I was glad I made it, because almost everything else had lactose in it that Shannon can't eat and I wanted her to be able to eat something.

Some people brought gifts too, which was very generous. I didn't think it was traditional to do that at a baby naming, but they did it anyway. Erin completed the outfit she knitted, and it is so pretty. It is a pretty deep rose, purplish color, with a rose done in cross stitch on a front pocket. It has a hat to match and came with socks and a pretty onesy with blue flowers. Aleza gave a John Deere tractor which is adorable and I know Sam will love it. Alex and Leslie gave some great toys, a little stuffed bear that is so soft, and a fabric book with plastic slots to place pictures. I guess it is a fabric photo album, and we insert pictures in the plastic case so they will last even with sticky baby fingers. Really cool idea. Betsy made a sweater that is pretty in yellow and brown and the zipper is in the back from the top of the hood all the way to the bottom. Unusual design but it should be easy to get in and out of. Very soft yarn too. I haven't seen Betsy in maybe a year and a half, and she still takes the time to make such a special gift. The sisterhood, which means Sylvia in this case, gave lullaby tapes and a little stuffed toy Torah that is cute, as well as a book explaining the range of Jewish traditions for a daughter. That will come in handy! As thoughtful and incredible as all the gifts were, the last present had me in tears. It was a framed sheet of music. Shannon wrote a lullaby, both the lyrics and the tune, and gave it to her at the baby naming. I haven't plunked it out yet on the piano because I was exhausted today, but I plan to try the tune out tomorrow.

It was a very special evening, and I really enjoyed our friends. Samantha was wonderful and seemed to enjoy the evening too. Ellen and Shannon did an amazing job of keeping her calm and happy. This meant I could get the food ready without having to worry about how Sam was doing. I think they enjoyed holding her. There is a wonderful feeling holding someone so small and precious.

Sam is sleeping now, so I should be too. I just don't want to forget such a great day.

Samantha's baby naming went beautifully. She was very calm and well behaved during the entire service, including the part where she was held up in front of the entire congregation to receive her Hebrew name (Simcha Ganit). Toward the very end of the service she got a little cranky and I had to take her out into the lobby just after Kiddush, but that's understandable -- the service was a little long, and the room was bright, crowded, and loud. No surprise that she was a little overstimulated by then.

Various friends showed up for the service including Debby and Zvi Cohen (who were two of the witnesses at our wedding), Alex, Leslie, Shannon, Ellen, Erin, and others. In addition, many of the people we knew from the temple (and some we didn't) made it a point to come over and say Mazel Tov, and wish us well. It was strange in a way -- have a baby naming and suddenly everyone wants to talk to you. I suppose that having children automatically gives you something in common with people you might otherwise never meet, or having nothing in common with.

After the service we came back here for a small party. Erin, Aleza, Alex, Leslie, Ellen, and Shannon joined us, and Mike Huben came over as well. It was a very pleasant evening. The food and wine were pretty good (though we had way too much food, of course) and I think people enjoyed themselves. Amy and I certainly did. People talked, ate, and laughed, and Shannon and Ellen took turns holding Samantha when they could get her away from me, Amy, and Amy's mom. She fussed a bit now and then, but overall she was surprisingly well behaved.

I must say that we have some amazingly generous and talented friends, and Samantha has received an embarrassment of riches where gifts are concerned -- clothes and books and toys and more. Erin knitted her a jumper outfit that's simply gorgeous, friends from the temple gave her an adorable knitted sweater, and the amazing Shannon Knight has written her a lullaby. It's not posted on Shannon's web site yet, but perhaps it will appear there in the future. It's called "When You Cry", and it's the most beautiful thing. She gave us a framed copy of the lyrics and music; we'll have to find an appropriate place to display it in the house. How many children can say they've had songs written especially for them, let alone good ones?

There's probably a lot more to say about the baby naming, the party, and our wonderful friends, but it's midnight and Samantha is peacefully asleep (she's been pretty well behaved all day, really), and since I'm tired I think I'll finish my tea and take advantage of the quiet to join her in sleep. More tomorrow.

She has just officially gone out like a light for a nap. Yay! Now I can stare at her sweet face and fall in love with her again.

Thank God that Mom came to visit, because we couldn’t have gotten ready for guests without her help. Samantha has been awake now since 4:45 am with brief periods of rest, and when I say brief, I mean, no more than 15 minutes at a time. I think this means that she is getting to the point where she can sleep longer too, but she hasn’t quite done that cycle at night yet. Mom held her for quite a while which soothed her, and I held her this morning after Matt tried to get some sleep. He had the 4:45 to 6:30 shift, which is the really tough one I think because you feel particularly tired during the day.

Her acne isn’t any better today, but it is no worse, either. She does seem to track things better now. Mom was waving a red metallic bag in front of her face, and she followed that. She also followed her own face in the mirror that Matt held in front of her while she was in the swing chair. She is finally settling in for a bit in her cradle after I wrapped her like a mummy in the waffle stretchy blanket. She looks adorable in her pink blanket with her newly washed strawberry blonde hair in soft tufts around her face. She smells really sweet. Oops. Yep, 15 minutes and she is yelling again. Give me strength. How long can one infant hold out against sleep? Evidently quite a while. J

Well, we broke down and took Samantha back to the pediatrician today, just to make sure everything was okay. She's broken out in a rash on her face, which varies between hardly noticeable and very red and irritated looking. We both figured this was probably just the infant acne that most infants eventually get, but because she's seemed so uncomfortable and inconsolable the past two nights we wanted to check and make sure that's really what it was, as opposed to some kind of contact allergy or reaction to either breast milk or formula.

Once again Dr. Pangburn came through for us. He made time to see us as soon as possible, and was (as always) very tolerant of our concerns and Amy's mother's questions, and tried to explain things as clearly and completely as possible. He was working with a medical student from Harvard Med today, and Amy and I were both impressed with the way he treated that person as well; he has a knack for being both patient and considerate toward other people. We really lucked out when we found this practice.

So anyway, Dr. Pangburn confirmed that Samantha's rash is just baby acne, and made some suggestions for additional ways to soothe her and get her to sleep at night ... most of which we've already tried, without much success. He also reminded us that she will eventually grow out of this, even if it takes a couple of months, and that in the meantime nothing bad is happening with her. She is, as he put it, a beautiful and healthy baby. (She's also growing like a weed, having put on another pound or so in the past 2 weeks; she's now 9 lbs 4 oz including what little clothing she was wearing when they weighed her.)

Tonight she's been much better, though it's only 10 pm so far. But she napped while we had dinner, then woke up hungry (as expected), ate, and went back to sleep very peacefully. She did wake up and cry when we put her into the cradle to go to bed, so we took her out and let her lie in bed with us. She's now fast asleep and looking like a little angel.

I think I'll take this opportunity to try to get a little sleep myself, just in case the coming hours aren't as tranquil as the ones we're getting right now.

(Samantha has her baby naming tomorrow night at Temple Israel. I hope she's well behaved!)

Cranky, cranky baby last night. She yelled pretty consistently from about 8 pm to 10pm. I brought Sam’s picture to Roche Bros so they can airbrush it on her cake, and came home to find everyone on edge. I took her and she calmed down for five minutes, which gave me great maternal pride. My fall from grace only took five minutes when she started screaming quite nicely for me too. “Pride goeth before a fall” and all that. We never did figure out what made her scream like that. She slept for a few hours when she finally collapsed. She went from screaming at 40 miles an hour to a dead stop conked out completely. Pretty amusing if we hadn’t been conked ourselves. I understand that babies are designed to get under our skin so we pay attention, but it is still difficult emotionally when she keeps screaming and we are trying so hard to help and we have no idea other than the basics what to do to help.

Good parent advice of the day: “Babies sometimes cry to get their exercise” author: Pat Bennett.

I call these crying jags ‘gym time,’ thinking that as long as she is warm, fed, dry and cuddled, she must be getting her exercise in the only way she can. We still ask Dr. Pangburn about her crying, but I get the feeling all his new parents ask that. We have been told various remedies: have her sleep sitting up, give simethicone drops for gas, take her clothes off, hold her skin to skin and turn the lights low to reduce stimulation and soothe her. She usually likes sitting on the green ball and being bounced and sung to. Last night she really enjoyed my rendition of “Oseh Shalom.”

Her acne is pretty bad today. It is even on her earlobe and her neck. Maybe it is a heat rash? I’ll have to call Dr. Pangburn and ask today. With mom coming this morning, I may actually have a chance to take her in for someone to see her. It is too bad that her face has to be so broken out when she is in front of everyone at temple tomorrow night. Oh well, we all know she is gorgeous, acne or no. I’m looking forward to Mom’s visit! I need to sweep the front stairs and clean up outside a bit and mom can help with that. I wonder if Sam would like to be with me in her Bjorn carrier while I do rake up? The motion might help soothe her crankiness. I am starting to think of it as a title. Along with princess, she is also known as ‘her crankiness.’

There are crocuses up in the front of the house! They showed up last week in front of the house, and I took Samantha out front to look at them. She can’t see them, but I wanted to show them to her anyway. The flowers on the side of the house are coming up too, but no blossoms yet. I’ll have to plant more bulbs this fall; I really like watching them come up in the spring.

Sam really does have half inch long eyelashes. Only a few of the hairs are that long, but they are there! They are a light strawberry blonde color, so any of her hair is hard to see. I think she got Matt’s hair. She even has some of the curls, but those will come in more later, I think.

Excellent parenting advice:
“Just remember, thing will only get better :-). When child drives you insane, take turns walking around the outside of the house 3x before going back in. Really helps :-)” (author, Mikki Barry)

New Yiddish word for the day:
Mechaieh: Delight, joy, giving life to.
Seems like a good way to describe Samantha. She is my Mechaieh. Root word must be chai, which is life.

The cats are finally in, safe and sound, so I can finally go to bed. Stupid cats.

Another random thought: Both Amy and I observed today (independently) that Samantha's face is changing visible. Not the baby acne (if that's what it is -- must remember to ask Dr. Pangburn about that), but the fact that she's developing her own unique features, and looking less and less like the generic newborn that most infants seem to resemble for the first few weeks. She's really turning into her own little person, in all sorts of ways. I guess this is what makes parenthood cool during the infant months, huh?

It's the end of a very long day, and Samantha is finally asleep. I say finally because it's been a real struggle this evening. It was a struggle last night too -- she was very cranky, crying incessantly until she finally could cry no more and went to sleep. Nothing we did seemed to help -- holding her, rocking her, bouncing her on an exercise ball -- all in vain. It was after midnight before she slept, and even then she woke up at 1 am (hungry), at 2 am (unhappy and crying, Amy says until 4), at 5 am, and at 7:30 am. So neither Amy nor I got much sleep last night

Today started out just fine. Sam was awake and alert but quiet for part of the morning, and slept peacefully in her cradle for another part of the morning. I took her into the den for a while too, and she showed yet another new behavior. She was fussing and fidgeting in my arms, and it seemed to me that she was looking over at Amy. To test the theory I moved Sam into several different positions, but she always turned her head toward her mom. I took this as an "I want my mommy" moment and handed her over, at which point she settled right down. I think this is the first time I've seen her show any sort of preference about who was holding her, but maybe I just imagined the whole thing.

On the other hand, she did the same thing again tonight, except this time it was I who got her to calm down.

Another cute Samantha moment: I was watching her sleep this morning, and she started suckling in her sleep. Her little jaw was moving up and down and her eyebrows were flexing in rhythm with her sucks. I wonder, do newborns have the capacity to dream, or was this just some kind of autonomic reflex because she was hungry? I'll have to do some research on infants and dreaming, or maybe just ask her pediatrician.

Unfortunately, I think we made a mistake today by taking her out to do errands with us, and getting her overstimulated. We went to pick up a new pump at the medical supply store, drop off some documents at work, buy cat food and dog treats, have a late lunch / early dinner, and then go looking for end tables and curtains and a rug to put under the rocking chair in the bedroom. (We found the rug, and a few baby items, but that was all -- the mission was, overall, a failure.) All in all we were out for more than 5 hours and visited quite a number of different places, bringing Samantha with us everywhere.

For the first part of the trip she was okay -- she slept while we ate, and only fidgeted a little the rest of the time -- but by the end she was hyperstimulated, cranky, and crying without letup for around two hours. At that point Amy and I were pretty much at the ends of our respective ropes, but what is there to do except persevere and be patient? So we tried to be patient, and we rocked Sam and fed Sam and changed Sam, and she eventually quieted down.

One of our baby purchases for Samantha today was an open-top Graco swing, the top of the line model with 6 speeds and music and 4 recline positions and all the bells and whistles. What can I say? We were in Target and it was relatively cheap, and we hoped desperately that she'd be one of those babies who just love rocking slowly in a swing while listening to music, or at least who love it more than they love crying.

So I spend an hour and a half assembling the thing based on instructions that are mostly confusing diagrams with very few words of explanation, while Samantha cries like the world is ending and Amy tries to calm her down. At last success, the swing is ready. Samantha, meanwhile, has calmed down at least a little. She's fussing and waving her arms and legs, but not actively crying. Into the swing we place her and turn it on for a low gentle rocking motion. And she's okay for all of 10 minutes or so before she starts to cry. Evidently she's one of those babies for whom swings do very little, at least based on this one data point. Bouncy chairs also appear to do nothing for her, but maybe eventually she'll grow to like one or the other. That or we're going to have the biggest collection of useless baby gear in the Town of Arlington. Oh well, there's always eBay. Or we could give them to friends who are having babies of their own, I suppose.

On a more random note, I made a very interesting discovery tonight. Home Depot is the only store in the world where no one cares if you're carrying a baby. Really, we were there for 30 to 40 minutes and passed by scores of people (both employees and customers), and not one single person remarked that I was carrying a newborn around on my chest (in a Bjorn baby carrier, of course). This is the only store I can think of where this has been true. Everyplace else I've gone at least a couple of people have remarked on how cute she is, or asked how old she is, or otherwise taken at least some notice of her. Weird. I guess Home Depot is a universe unto itself.

I just found out that I accidentally left the garage door open while taking out the trash, and the door from the basement to the garage was ajar. Both cats -- black cats, no less -- have escaped and are outside at midnight. Damn it. Now I have to go look for them. (Yes, I know you can't find black cats at night, but I have to go look for them anyway.)

Sam is finally sleeping, after being up most of the night and a good portion of the day playing and fussing. Sam’s version of playing is to try climbing up our chests, perhaps standing with a bit of help, kicking her legs out, waving her arms, and staring at things. Sometimes she even manages to do all those things at once. She is a very active girl. Then she just collapses and it is like someone turned off a switch, there is an immediate change from whirlwind to zephyr. I like her alert and wide eyed look. She really takes it all in at once, and seems to be working very hard.

Matt is outside worried about our two black cats that snuck out the door tonight, and I am inside worried about Matt. I tried to convince him that no one catches black cats at night that don’t want to be caught, but he is determined. We would be very upset if something happened to them, that is true, and it is very thoughtful of Matt to try to bring them in. I just think we need our sleep more.

There is a swing here now for Sam. I hope she likes it. She sat in it tonight and didn’t start crying for about 15 minutes, which so far means she liked it a lot if we compare it to other things we were trying. I bounce her on my tummy, hold her on my chest and pat/rub her back, hold her laterally across my arm and bounce my arm. I also try zooming her up in the air (with appropriate sound effects, of course) and sometimes I just rock her back and forth. There is a large green ball that I bounce on while I hold her that seems to be a hit with her, but it is hard on my back.

Found some socks and mittens with rattles on them for Sam. Can’t wait to try them out on her. She may be too young for them, but what the heck? I’ll give them a try.

Did I mention that Ella is my diaper barometer? If Ella sniffs her diaper a lot, I know I need to change Sam. These new diapers are really absorbent and it is hard to tell sometimes if she has a dirty diaper without Ella’s help. There, see, I didn’t mention p**p once, not even now.

I am getting better at organizing my day. I actually managed to take a shower and bake some things. I made the banana bread using up the old bananas this morning, and then I made the apricot cream cheese scones with a blender. They come out really light and fluffy with the blender, and it takes about 15 minutes to put together these deadly fattening puffs. Really yummy, if I do say so myself. Matt says so too. I breastfed Samantha twice today, and both times went really well. I had time to prepare a bit so we were both calm to start with. Big surprise, that made things easier! I also went to the grocery store for an hour while she slept this afternoon. She slept so deeply and quietly, I really did have to come upstairs and peek at her to make sure she was okay (we have a baby monitor for sound, not picture). She was fine, just sleeping really well. Matt got his work done, I did errands and laundry, and a good day was had by all.

Ooh, I am starting to heal much better. I took Ella for a walk again tonight. We went last night too, and I even enjoyed walking in the rain. She just makes it so fun to be out and about. She loves sniffing everything and I can just imagine her collecting all the neighborhood gossip left behind by all the other neighborhood animals. This is one special puppy and I love her very much. She gets me out a gives me some exercise whther I want to or not, and that is a very good thing. I am sore from the exercise, even just walking around the block, but I go anyway. I can already see a difference in how fast and far I can walk.

Her eyes are changing color, and it looks strange. She has the newborn deep blue on the outer ring of her iris, then a light grey blue next to her pupil. Matt says she has my eye color, but since I never paid much attention to what my eye color is, I’ll take his word for it. I think she does have my mouth, but her nose is new. It isn’t pointy enough to be like Matt’s nose, and it is too round to be like my nose. It is, of course, an eminently adorable, cute and perfect nose that suits her to a ‘T’.

Her head stays up most of the time now while I am burping her. It is really sweet to see her on my shoulder with her head high and waving it around looking at me, mouthing her diaper and staring at me again. I’ve never had such a rapt audience. My world shifted today from the way she was staring at me. I was the center of her world, and all I could think was, I have to be strong enough to protect this little one, and I must be the best I can be to show her how to be the best she can be. Oooh, she is a special one she is. She steals hearts, and then hands it back to you somehow better than before. Carolyn says she misses her very much, and I know Mom is really looking forward to seeing her again. As it was with Patty, I am in second place next to my daughter when it comes to mom. Mom loves her babies! Since I love her too, it just gives us something in common.

We’ve been listening to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone on audiotape when we are in the room with Sam. She naps or plays, Matt works on his reading or programming, and I pump breastmilk or try to catch up on my e-mail, etc. The reader did an amazing jo with the many different voices. You could really see the characters in your mind with the different shadings of tone in his reading. I miss it now that we are done. I’ll have to see if they did the other Potter books on tape, or what other books are out there. It is much easier to get into books now if they are on tape. My hands are always busy doing something, diapers, folding laundry, typing. I get into the story and the time just goes by. It’s as though the laundry folded itself.

Sam’s face is covered in acne right now. I think she is just reacting to having milk spilled on her skin all the time, and neither of us have been washing her face after she eats. We are now, but it takes a while to clear up.

I don’t know who ever described a baby’s sounds as coos, but that isn’t what Samantha sounds like. She grunts like a weight lifter, which often means a smelly fart is coming, or she wheezes like she is squeezing the air out of her throat. Dr. Pangburn assures us she is breathing fine, she is actually playing with sounds in preparation for speech. Well, all I can say is, she is doing a lot of preparation and it sounds loud and scary sometimes. None of this quiet cooing crap for Samantha!

Samantha decided to sleep an hour at a time since about four this morning. Yep, I am tired, we both are. Make that “Incredibly tired.” She did collapse after about 11am and is still sleeping. I took Ella for a walk while Sam slept. We walked to the Slater school and back, just to see how long it took me to walk there and back; half hour there, half hour back. Wow. I could be walking two hours a day when Sam goes to school? Car pool. Yep, car pool.

She looks very angelic sleeping, and a pip when she is awake. She already keeps us on our toes!

Today the temperature is 70 degrees, and I open all the windows to get some fresh air. It feels so wonderful to be part of the outdoors again. I took off all the winterizing stuff off the rose bushes, and tomorrow I’ll fertilize them. I am not sure how I’ll get my gardening stuff done with Sam this year. I guess it will have to wait.

She stood today. Not on her own of course, but she held herself upright and I had my hands under her arms for balance. I think that is normally done in the third month, not 1 and a half months. She is a very strong girl! Matt caught her tracking her bottle, and she really does try to keep tabs on it. She notices it is gone and finds it pretty quickly. She can’t continuously track it yet, but she can notice it is gone and find it again. She always knows where her daddy is. He is that fun jungle gym with the convenient hand holds to climb with. I guess chest hair is really good to climb with. This is one kid that will really need a jungle gym early.

Going to services last night was nice, but very hard at the same time. I grieved so much for Emily, missed her very much. Having Samantha with us is the best. She also is an example of what it would be like to have two little girls sitting with us. I missed Emily so much, it was like she was there with us. I just gazed at Sam with tears in my eyes for a while, watching Matt with her. It amazes me sometimes, when I experience all at once how much I love her. An overwhelming feeling, almost painful, and very sweet. This Samantha is a very special person.

Every day brings another change in Samantha's development and behavior. Today for the first time I noticed her tracking objects visually. I was talking to her while feeding her, and when I moved my head out of her line of sight, she followed me with her eyes and then turned her head to be able to see me. She did the same thing with her bottle when I took it out of her mouth -- followed it my moving her eyes as far as she could, and then by turning her head. I think this some kind of major milestone in development.

On other notes, we took Ella and Samantha and Carolyn walking around Horn Pond today, and then to the Sheepfold so Ella could play off-leash with other dogs. Even though the area was filled with kids ages 3 to 7 or so (the ages Ella most loves to play with), she didn't jump on or near any of them. She ran around and played with other dogs and greeted some of the people she knows, but with all four paws on the ground. She also continually came back to check in with Amy and Samantha. I wonder if having a newborn in the house is helping her understand that she can't jump on children, or if it's just another stage in her own maturation.

Carolyn offered to watch Sam on this, her last night here, so that Amy and I could go out and have a grown up dinner. We went to the Elephant Walk, which has always been a favorite of Amy's. Sadly, the food was a little disappointing. But it was still nice to be able to get out of the house for an evening. Tomorrow it's just the two of us (and Samantha) again.

After a very cranky evening yesterday, Samantha actually slept most of the night in her cradle! She woke up a couple of times to eat or be changed, but that's pretty normal stuff for a newborn. After her 6:30 am feeding request -- I took her into the den and watched last week's X-Files from TiVo while Talia (the smaller of our two black cats) tried to climb all over me -- she pretty much fell right back asleep in my lap. We hung out in the den together until the show was over, then I brought her back into the bedroom where she's sleeping next to Amy right now. All in all, a fairly peaceful night as far as newborns go.

No log entries for the past few days because things have been incredibly busy and hectic. We're trying to make a code freeze at work and critical bugs keep landing in my mailbox. I've spent a couple of nights working until 1 or 2 am to get them fixed, on one occasion with help from Charles, a co-worker who stuck it out with me until the wee hours by IM.

I've been feeling badly about the amount of time I've been spending on work at night instead of spending with Samantha, but I suppose that's part of the price one pays for working at a company that's still struggling to prosper. Fortuntely the ship date is almost here and then things should become sane again, at least for a while. Working at home one day a week after I go back to the office full time will help a lot too, and keep Amy from having five days a week with Samantha and no help from me during the days. I'll carry a full workload, of course, but at least I'll be here to feed Sam or change Sam or just give Amy a half hour break if she needs some time to herself.

We did at least get all the thank-you cards sent out today.

Having Carolyn here has been a god-send. She's been helpful beyond my ability to describe, helping to look after Samantha when I've had to work late at night, going for walks with Amy and Ella and Samantha, and even taking her for a couple of full nights so that Amy and I could get some sleep.

It's funny -- you'd think that with someone else watching over the baby I'd be able to get an uninterrupted night's sleep, but it doesn't work that way. When she's not here keeping me awake with all her sighs and grunts and squeaks and gurgles, then I lay awake and worry because I *don't* hear all her sighs and grunts and squeaks and gurgles. When you're a new father you just can't win, I guess.

Last night at around 4:30 am Ella showed up in our bedroom again needing to go outside (She's taken to sleeping on the guest bed with Carolyn the rest of the time -- Carolyn who says she's not a dog person, but who has clearly won Ella's undying affection). Since I'd been sleeping fitfully, when sleeping at all, up to then, I decided to just give up and pour myself a strong drink before going back to bed. It seemed to have helped, since I got to sleep from 5 am to 9 am without waking up. Four hours of uninterrupted sleep is such an incredible luxury these days!

We took Samantha to services tonight, in preparation as it were for her baby naming next week. She slept through the first half of the service despite the considerable noise and hullaballoo involved, and then was quietly alert for most of the rest. Only toward the end did she start to cry, mostly because she was hungry. She downed a full four ounces in about 30 minutes, which is twice what she usually eats in one sitting. (Services themselves were interesting; bigger and more "produced" than when we last attended regularly -- more musicians, musical instruments handed out to the congregation, etc. I have to admit that I missed the quieter, more intimate service of days gone by, when it was held in the atrium rather than the sanctuary.)

Several of the people sitting around us at shul commented on what a beautiful baby she is, especially the women.

Sam has been rather cranky the past two days, and has been eating like a horse. I wonder if these two things are related? She's been eating almost constantly during the afternoon and evening. I suspect she's going through a growth spurt of some kind -- maybe the one they say happens at 2 weeks (her due date was about 2 weeks ago) or the one they say happens at six weeks (she was born about six weeks ago). She's got to be nearing nine pounds now; every day she seems a bit heavier to carry around. But eating a lot at night seems to help her sleep for longer periods at once, which at this point is a Very Good Thing indeed.

I also noticed this evening that Sam's face has changed again. The day before yesterday it seemed to me that she had these fat little chipmunk cheeks, but tonight while she lay sleeping in my arms on the sofa I noticed that her face looked leaner, or more in proportion. I think her head has gotten larger, and has caught up to her cheeks. She's also starting to bear a strong resemblance to her mom, even at just a few weeks of age.

She's sleeping peacefully in her cradle right now, after eating even more when we got home, through the dinner hour -- we ate in shifts again so I could watch Samantha while Amy had dinner and vice versa -- and into the later hours. I'm going to take advantage of her quiescence to get some sleep myself. More tomorrow.

Samantha had a bath tonight. She is being cranky, so what does Mommy do, set her up to let it all hang out and be as cranky as she wants. I vow that this time I will have everything set up ahead of time so I won’t let all the heat out of the bathroom, but does it work? No, I still forget something, a most important something - her diaper. I don’t even notice this until after I have her diaper off, so I just wrap her up in her clothes and we head out to the nursery to get her diaper. I feel so brave to let her sit on my chest pretty much au naturel. No accidents to report, though, so I guess I was lucky. She didn’t actually cry during any of the bath, except when I washed her hair and massaged her scalp. That pissed her off, but only briefly. I finished up quickly and wrapped her up in the towel, still no diaper. My sister gave us a bathrobe for her, a very thick terry robe. I put her in that to show Matt, still no diaper, still no accident. I am so brave. Matt agrees that the robe is adorable on her, and I take pictures to send to Pat. She’ll like them, I’m sure. (There never is an accident. Her diaper goes back on in safety.) Sam’s hair is a beautiful strawberry blonde right after it is washed. I blow on her hair, and it wafts in the breeze, the very slight breeze, like down on the inside of a chick’s wing. So soft. I can’t stop snuggling her, just tucking my nose into the back of her neck, or just under her ear. She smells so sweet, and the hair is so light, I have to keep kissing it to make sure she even has hair. I ask her what the fairies did with the other cranky Samantha, but she can’t answer anymore. She has drifted off into a deep sleep when I wasn’t looking. That is where I intend to be as well. Good night.

Now that I have so much sleep, I came down this morning to rescue Carolyn, and she said that Sam had been a little angel all night. Of course, when it is someone *else* she is fine! Really, I am glad she was reasonably well behaved for someone else, if I can call a baby this young well behaved. There is no direction to her moods besides hunger.

When I saw her first thing this morning, she didn't look different to me, but I felt different, like I was seeing her for the first time. I actually went so far as to introduce myself, hi sam, I'm mommy. Matt is with her now and refuses to put the angelically sleeping bundle down in her cradle. She is really loved, this sweetie.

I had a full night's sleep last night. No, I didn't drug Samantha. Carolyn, who needs to be nominated for sainthood, stayed up with her last night and I slept. Wow. I haven't done that in months, long before Sam was delivered.

I cut my hair today so Sam can't pull on it and I can see without having to use hairbands that were incredibly ugly. Can't say the haircut is high style, but it gets it off my face. She cut off probably 6 inches in places.

Looking at Sam's face at dawn, I swear she is more aware than yesterday. I joke that she has added a new thought to her brain repertoire. Really, there is more awareness in her gaze this morning, a brightness that is exciting, wonderful to see. Makes me tremble in me boots to wonder what the 'terrible twos' will be like. I imagine she will be a fun challenge.

Sam was awake a lot of the day again. I managed to get some things done that took some brain power because Carolyn sat with Sam this morning so I could sleep for a couple of hours. Those two hours made all the difference for me being able to put to ideas together to come up with a plan.

Sam looks beautiful in the afghan. The pink makes her skin look dark and her cheeks pinker. It was a cold day too, so she really loved the extra warmth. She is a food and warmth hound, like all babies.

Carolyn offered to take Sam for a night. I am trying to imagine being with out her for that long, and I can't. It is a sweet and generous offer, and I may take her up on it, but I have to think about it for a minute.

Pekl, that is my word for the day. This little pekl of ours is a heap of trouble. I want to sleep! She was cranky all day since 4 am and would only rest on my tummy. I love the devotion, if I can call it that in a four week old, but really sleep seems awfully important now too. I keep falling asleep in odd places. I wonder if that makes me a bad mommy. I ask that a lot now, but really, I think a well rested mother is better able to cope and makes a better mother, if she can manage it.

We have such generous and kind friends and family. Carolyn arrived this evening to help us with Sam, and it is truly wonderful to have the help. She is the kind of friend that I don't have to stand on ceremony, which is odd in a way, because I have only met her a few times. Some people are just like that. She brought some outfits for Sam that I had almost bought last night, nightshirts with ladybugs in them, very cute. Also a shirt that says Mommy is great in purple with matching hat and booties. The Teddy bear was amazing, so soft and just gorgeous.

We started the day off with another very special gift too. Sid's girlfriend, Kim, must have been knitting her fingers off, because we received a cloud soft pink knitted blanket and a beautiful sweater for Samantha. I am always amazed at people who knit something for a child that will outgrow it in three months. All that work for something that will only be used for such a short time. Incredibly thoughtful. The sweater is maroon with pewter buttons and deep blue trim, very classy and very thick and warm. She will be adorable in it.

We need to sit down and write the thank you notes to people who have sent us things. It is embarrassing when people have to ask if we received things in the mail because we never said thank you. I know people understand that new parents are hazy on the details, but I do think a simple thank you acknowledging their generosity is important, no matter what. I didn't say thank you for all the help that people gave us when Emily died, and it makes it all the more important to say it now, when we have this joy to share.

Breastfeeding went okay today. I tried to feed her every time she got hungry, and Sam actually stayed on for about 15 minutes at a time. That was a real breakthrough for us. I tried just sleeping all day and having her sleep on my tummy, since that was the only way she would sleep anyway, and feeding her before she got too cranky. It seemed to work well. I still needed to give her quite a bit of formula, but she got all the breastmilk too. Whoever said breastfeeding was easy was insane.

I am holding to Matt's ban on poop, but I hope breast feeding is okay to discuss.

I look at her little face and am amazed that something so perfect, so wonderful came out of me. She is beautiful, and will grow into something amazing, no matter what she does, it will amaze me. I love her so much, and she is so loved by her family, I hope she always knows how much she is loved. I smooch her all day long, and get many requests from family and friends to smooch her for them. I always tell her who the smooch is from so she will know that we all love her.

This little poshke (?) has kept me up every hour since 4 am. She isn't happy staying anywhere except on top of my chest or my tummy. The devotion is nice, but right now sleep is looking better. Does that make me a bad mommy? I ask that question of myself alot. I think that having a well rested mommy makes me better able to cope, and thus a better parent. I just can't think how to get there. I am looking forward to Carolyn's arrival. It will be nice to have another adult around, even if it is just to talk to. Sam has started screaming again, that convulsive, can't breathe screaming. I'll check if she is hungry, although she has eaten every hour since 4am. Her capacity for ingesting food is a gastronomic achievement unparalleled in my experience.

I just heard from my dad that the cd rom I sent him with Samantha's pictures on it is unreadable on his iMac. Bummer. I'll have to ask my brother Adam, the Macintosh expert in the family, for advice on what might be going wrong.

Leslie Turek came over the other night, and we had a very pleasant visit. I told her about the theory of sleepless parents. She objected on the grounds that until fairly recently people didn't have much of a choice about whether or not they got pregnant. Had I been more awake I'd have thought to point out at the time that the ancients had birth control too. There are indications that cultures as far back as the Egyptians and the early Chinese dynasties had techniques for preventing conception as well as an understanding of natural abortifactants. (The book "Ancient Inventions" is full of interesting tidbits about these and other topics.)

We also had an interesting discussion of parenting decisions and her choice to remain childless, the issues of surrenduring control of your whole life to a child, etc. I'm not sure it really has to come to that -- I know people who work their kids into the fabric they want their lives tobe, take them on vacations to places they as adults want to go, etc. -- but it certainly does change things, and there's no question that you have to plan your days and nights around the baby's needs. Just trying to do some baby shopping and have lunch today was a fine demonstration of that, although we managed to work it all out in the end. In some respects having a puppy first was probably pretty good training.

Speaking of puppies, Ella has been waking up at 5 or 6 am every day to go outside now. I think her sleep schedule is as messed up as the rest of ours. I've got to get her back to her usual routine of going out at 11 pm or so, and then not going out again until 7 am the next morning. Waking up the extra time in addition to all the Samantha wakeups just won't do.

Shannon's visit on Saturday was great. I really enjoy her company, as does Amy. She went completely overboard with gifts for both Samantha and Ella. Hoover, her new puppy, is wonderful. Hoover and Ella had a ball together; they got along very well and played for something like three hours. Ella was tired and happy at the end of the day. I was impressed again with what a calm and agreeable dog Ella is at heart -- Hoover took her favorite chew bones and started chewing on them, and Ella was willing to share them. I haven't seen that accommodating a personality in many dogs.

Shannon shared some of the news from work that I've missed out on while I've been on leave, and told us about the latest goings on at the Media Lab (very bad stuff, large sums of money missing and no one sure where they went, etc) and Brian's career situation. I'm so glad that she and Brian will be coming to Sam's baby naming next week.

The rest of Saturday night, until around 2am, and some of Sunday morning were spent working on a bad bug in our product that needed to be fixed by Tuesday. Putting in about 10 hours on Saturday slogging through twisted and complex code that I've never seen before and don't understand all that well even now allowed me to get far enough in the analysis of the bug that Tareef, the engineering lead for our product, was able to pick it up and complete the work on Sunday. For all that working on this sort of bug is frustrating, tedious, and annoying, the process of working on it with Tareef, exchanging ideas by email and IM late into the night as we tackled it together, was kind of fun. At least insofar as that kind of thing can ever be fun.

Unfortunately, between working 10 or so hours in Saturday night, taking Ella to the park today, and buying the bouncy seat for Samantha afterward, I never got around to the taxes (which I need to do so we can get our much-needed refund this year), or to cleaning the house, or to writing to my brother in prison. There just aren't enough hours in the day, or in the combination of day and night for that matter.

Okay, we're going to try this again. I think I'll take to writing all my log entries in emacs and then pasting them into blogger, though, since I don't plan to waste another large block of time writing only to have blogger throw it away. Hey, my writing may not be Shakespeare, but spare time is a precious commodity right now, and I have none to waste.

I've fallen a little behind on log entries over the past few days, but at least I remembered to make a few notes as interesting things happened. This log entry is based on the events of March 1st, so just pretend it was written then.

March 1st was Samantha's one month visit to the pediatrician. She's still doing great. She continues to gain weight and has reached normal newborn weight or a bit better, at 8 lbs 2 oz today. She's also 20 inches long and has a head that's 36 centimeters in circumference, as if you cared.

Now that she's past her due date they measure her relative to that date; so even though she's been out of the womb for a month, developmentally they consider her a one week old. For a one week old she's pretty advanced, in the 90th percentile for weight, the 70th for length, and the 50th or 60th for head size. She also continues to display remarkable head control and neck, back, and leg strength for her age.

I always enjoy going to see Dr. Pangburn -- he's a great guy, and a lot of fun to talk to. Amy was feeling exhausted this particular day, so I let her sleep late and took Sam to the doctor myself. We had a long rambling conversation about child rearing, attachment parenting, dogs (boxers we have known and loved, and the changing relationship between dogs and kids as the kids get older), and of course my evolutionary theory of parent sleeplessness.

The theory, which is mostly intended as humor, goes like this. Sleep deprivation is known to interefere with long-term memory formation; this is a well-known phenomenon, I believe. The reason this is important is that if women were to remember how painful labor was, or if anyone were to remember how hard the first 3 months with a newborn are, no one would ever be willing to have a second child. Every generation would be at most half the size of the one before it, and the race would quickly dwindle and die out. So nature conspires with newborns to make sure parents are sleep deprived for the first few months, so that their first permanent memories of parenthood are of angelic children who smile sweetly and sleep through the night, and who wouldn't want 2 or 3 of those? Thus does the species perpetate itself.

Dr. Pangburn thought the theory was great. He also repeated his earlier advice about letting her sleep in bed with us if that's what it takes to get her to sleep without a lot of crying. She'll settle down in 3 to 4 months, but in the meantime do whatever works. (You know it's bad when *pediatrician* says you that look tired and you need to get more sleep!)

We tried this the other night, letting her sleep in bed surrounded by her Boppy pillow so we couldn't roll over onto her even if we wanted to. It worked well for Amy, who got more sleep than usual this way, but not so well for me. The problem is that any little noise Samantha makes in her sleep, I'm wide awake and alert for problems. Now imagine how much worse this in when the noises are coming from 6 to 12 inches away rather than from the other side of the room. I don't think I got more than 20 minutes of continuous sleep that night, so this probably isn't a long term solution.

Incidentally, the pediatrician was vastly amused by the fact that I'm the one who's wide awake immediately upon any squeak, gasp, or grunt in the middle of the night. Evidently it's usually the moms who get this gene rather than the dads. Harumph.

Oh, and the pediatrician also said that her smiles are just gas. Conscious social smiles don't start for 4 to 6 weeks after birth, and even though Sam is a month old, the first 3 weeks (the preemie weeks) don't count for this sort of thing, so we've got a ways to go yet before her smiles mean much. Double harumph.

I'm fucking pissed. I just spent 30 minutes typing a long log entry, hit Post and Publish, and blogger told me that I wasn't signed in. Bullshit I wasn't. I'm too angry now to retype it all, and I'm not sure I want to bother with blogger anymore if this is going to happen to me on a regular basis.

Matt is lying next to me, and yelping now and then. It seems that our most beautiful daughter is desperately trying to learn to crawl by grabbing tufts of hair to pull herself along. She's tiny, but she is strong! Okay, I know I should sympathetic to the pain, but I start to laugh a bit at the picture of this tiny creature having such an affect on her big, tough daddy.

We got her a bouncy seat for her today, and she seems to like it very much. While we were in the store, I wanted to see what kind of clothes they had for little girls, and yes, I looked at all the ruffly outfits, which horrified Matt. I keep telling him that there is immense feminine power in a properly placed bow, but he still is worried that we will have a girlie girl in the family. Knowing the women in my family, I don't think there is much to worry about, but Matt is surrounded by women right now, if we count our puppy, Ella, so maybe this is a guy thing I just don't understand.

Sam slept for a five hour stretch last night, thank you god! It helped my state of mind tremendously. I get so tired that I literally fall asleep while I am feeding her in between sucks on the bottle. I do have to pay attention when I am feeding her because I have to hold the bottle upright. She can't suck if the bottle is held at too much of an angle. I learned that first hand. And the waking up two hours later in the chair with Sam and a bottle with no idea how I got there is a little bizarre.

She is sleeping next to me right now, very peaceful after her busy day eating at a restaurant with us and going to BabiesRUs. Too much stimulation. The vibrating bouncy seat seems to have really calmed her down. She is sleeping propped up in her bucky pillow which is technically for nursing but works well for sleeping too.